HULA HOOPS TO HELL

"BLUE" JIMMY:  HOOPER

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  OK, If I'm going to write about the Hula Hoop I have to talk about its ancient history, right?

BD OZZY:  Oh, hell no!  Just start talking about how cute girls started shaking their nalgas with it during the 50's!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Alright, that's just weird that a dog would notice that.

BD OZZY:  I'm just saying...

"BLUE" JIMMY:  OK, the Hula Hoop was used for GodKnowsWhat in ancient times because it's depicted in rock etchings or whatever but like anything fun in modern times, the Wham-O company here in L.A. found a way to market it and make a million dollars while nasty old men leer at young women playing with them in parks and hippie concerts all over the world.

BD OZZY:  I told you!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  What you don't know peoples, is that doin' the hoop is an exercise that will keep you young forever if you keep with it.  The gentle twists, bends and graceful movements will forever keep you from that downward spiral of arthritis, injury and disuse that plague older folk when they give up on life.  

BD OZZY: Tell them about the secret!

"BLUE" JIMMY: The secret is that if you take away the hoop, practitioners are actually imitating the movements of the ancient arts of tai chi, chi gong or kung fu which are known to be the best healing therapies in the world.  If you're an adult and you take up the hoop, the first thing you're going to think when you try to spin the hoop and it clatters to the floor is that something is wrong with your body and this goddamn thing is made only for kids.

BD OZZY:  That means you ain't got your mojo working no more!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I took up the hoop when little girls on the playground challenged me to a hoop contest and I couldn't even make the thing spin on my hips.  I practiced for months until I can safely say that I can kick the butt of any tweener girl on the playground but if you look up videos on the internet, you'll see people doing things with the hoop which will make you think that they surely sold their soul to the Devil.

BD OZZY:  I thought only guitar players did that!

"BLUE"  JIMMY:  You just got to keep playing with it chillun, 'til you get your youth back.  Notice I said play and not work.  That's one of the best secrets I can give you -- you got to learn how to play again.  When you stop playing, your body figures it's time to quit and sit in the rocking chair and you won't be able to do the things young folk do.

BD OZZY:  I can jump through the hoop!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  And he can't see s**t!

BD OZZY:  The hoop is a symbol of eternity -- keep playin' with it forever!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BD OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!