HULA HOOPS TO HELL

"BLUE" JIMMY:  HOOPER

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  OK, If I'm going to write about the Hula Hoop I have to talk about its ancient history, right?

BD OZZY:  Oh, hell no!  Just start talking about how cute girls started shaking their nalgas with it during the 50's!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Alright, that's just weird that a dog would notice that.

BD OZZY:  I'm just saying...

"BLUE" JIMMY:  OK, the Hula Hoop was used for GodKnowsWhat in ancient times because it's depicted in rock etchings or whatever but like anything fun in modern times, the Wham-O company here in L.A. found a way to market it and make a million dollars while nasty old men leer at young women playing with them in parks and hippie concerts all over the world.

BD OZZY:  I told you!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  What you don't know peoples, is that doin' the hoop is an exercise that will keep you young forever if you keep with it.  The gentle twists, bends and graceful movements will forever keep you from that downward spiral of arthritis, injury and disuse that plague older folk when they give up on life.  

BD OZZY: Tell them about the secret!

"BLUE" JIMMY: The secret is that if you take away the hoop, practitioners are actually imitating the movements of the ancient arts of tai chi, chi gong or kung fu which are known to be the best healing therapies in the world.  If you're an adult and you take up the hoop, the first thing you're going to think when you try to spin the hoop and it clatters to the floor is that something is wrong with your body and this goddamn thing is made only for kids.

BD OZZY:  That means you ain't got your mojo working no more!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I took up the hoop when little girls on the playground challenged me to a hoop contest and I couldn't even make the thing spin on my hips.  I practiced for months until I can safely say that I can kick the butt of any tweener girl on the playground but if you look up videos on the internet, you'll see people doing things with the hoop which will make you think that they surely sold their soul to the Devil.

BD OZZY:  I thought only guitar players did that!

"BLUE"  JIMMY:  You just got to keep playing with it chillun, 'til you get your youth back.  Notice I said play and not work.  That's one of the best secrets I can give you -- you got to learn how to play again.  When you stop playing, your body figures it's time to quit and sit in the rocking chair and you won't be able to do the things young folk do.

BD OZZY:  I can jump through the hoop!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  And he can't see s**t!

BD OZZY:  The hoop is a symbol of eternity -- keep playin' with it forever!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BD OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!

JUMPIN' & JIVIN': THE LOST ART OF JUMPING ROPE

"BLUE" JIMMY:  JUMP ROPE MASTER

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:   Jumping rope rocks man!  But you don't see many folks doing it right anymore.

BD OZZY:  I can never see the goddamned thing!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  You don't even need to see it.  It's all about feel and rhythm -- like playing guitar.

BD OZZY:  You should know!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Look at old timey black&white films of people training and you'll see dudes whipping the rope around like Bruce Lee swinging a pair of nunchuks.

BD OZZY:  No s**t!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Now you go to the gym and see cats jumping and flailing like a drunk walking into a spider web.  It's worth it to practice and get it right.  Nothing develops your speed and coordination like the rope plus you work every muscle you got at the same time.  Let me tell you, it ain't just for girls in the school yard.

BD OZZY:  A girl in the schoolyard might knock you out. 

"BLUE" JIMMY:  There's all different kinds of ropes.  There's skinny leather or plastic ropes that move so fast you can't see 'em, there's heavy, weighted ropes that will wear you out in 10 swings, there's even ropes made out of rope!  My personal favorite is the beaded rope which doesn't move as fast as the speed rope but it also won't twist and tangle like other types of ropes which makes it perfect for doing tricks. 

Once you pick a rope, the best way to learn is by watching someone who's put in the hours of practice to master it.  This is a lot easier than it used to be since you can go on the internet and find hundreds of videos of people doing different swings that you can slow down or pause.  I had to learn the hard way; by watching people at full speed and then experimenting for hours til I got something that looked sort of like what they were doing.  Once you learn some basic swings and steps the trick is to keep it up for about 3-5 minutes straight without stopping, even if you have to stop your jump and use a "rest" swing where you just keep the rope swinging with your arms and move your feet lightly.  Once you learn the basics you can move on to tricks like the crossover, double jump and behind the back which keep things from getting monotonous.

BD OZZY:   And it's a hell of a lot more fun than running laps or being on a treadmill -- plus you look sharp, man!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  And when you're done, you roll it up and stick it in your pocket.

BD OZZY:  You don't need no $2,000. dollar machine!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BD OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!
bluejames61@hotmail.com

YOU ARE THE GYM: THE EXCELLENCE OF BODY-WEIGHT EXERCISE

"BLUE" JIMMY:  EXERCISE ENTHUSIAST

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Look in any gym or health club or wherever people work out and you'll see a room full of machines.  I have a problem with that.  Looking back in human history, you'll find that it was the invention of machines that made us weak in the first place.  People were strong wood choppers,  water bearers, plow pullers and animal wranglers before we made machines to do all the work for us.  Then we got weak as a species and had to invent exercise regimens to make us strong again.   After centuries of presumed progress, we're right back where we started by having machines do all the work for us.

BD OZZY:  Whoa!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The art of body-weight exercise has, for the past few decades, been mostly lost in gyms in this country but not by the people who really excel in physical activity.

BD  OZZY:  We're talking about gymnasts, acrobats, athletes, martial artists, soldiers, law enforcement and prison inmates who are known to break their cuffs while in custody -- S**t!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Many of these people don't have access to weights and machines or they participate in activities that require practical strength and body skills, not bloated muscles to show off with.  Just like the ancient Spartans, who needed their bodies to perform or die, people have used basic calisthenics like the squat, the pushup, the pullup and the handstand to chisel their bodies into fighting shape since the beginning of civilization.   Decades ago, alternative medicine shook the foundations of the medical establishment when people realized there were more natural ways to treat their illnesses.  Now, with the increasing popularity of body-weight workouts in fitness centers all over the country, people are discovering that there are natural alternatives to the old weight and machine workout.  But do you see what's happened here?  In both instances, people are simply going back to the roots.

BD OZZY:  Could it be that the era of sweaty guys pumping iron and posing in front of mirrors is coming to an end?  Check out my fence climbing workout video -- you can't cage me!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BD OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!

THE L.A. (LAZY-ASS) WORKOUT

"BLUE" JIMMY:  ISSA TRAINER

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

BD OZZY:  Excuses?  We've heard 'em all at the gym; so we made a Top 10 List of excuses why people won't workout:

10.  I'm too tired when I get home from work.

9.  I want to lose the weight first, then I'll start working out  (????).

8.  I have a bad back (knee, shoulder, elbow, etc.).

7.  I'm not really a workout person.

6.  It hurts.

5.  (Women)  Guys stare at me in the gym.

4.  (Men) There's no hot girls to stare at in the gym.

3.  I don't know how to start.

2.  I heard on the news that working out is bad for you.

AND THE # 1 REASON OF ALL TIME...
" I DON'T HAVE TIME!"

"BLUE" JIMMY:  If you've ever used one of these excuses, I'm going to give you for free a workout to address all these excuses.

STEP 1.  Do 25 wall squats.  If you can't do them all at once, stop and rest until you reach 25.

STEP 2.  Quickly drop to the floor and do 25 regular pushups.  If you can't do them all at once, stop and rest until you reach 25.

STEP 3.  Get up and do 25 Hindu squats.  If you can't do them all at once, stop and rest until you reach 25.

STEP 4.  Quickly drop to the floor and do 25 Hindu pushups.  If you cant do them all at once, stop and rest until you reach 25.  Boom!  You're done!  Breath deeply before, during and after this workout.  You will have worked every major muscle group in your body and your cardiovascular system will have gotten a superior workout from the short bursts of intense exercise.  You don't have to go running or lift weights afterward and you don't have to skip a day before you do it again (that's for steroid-pumped bodybuilders). Do it every day if you want but at least twice a week.  It should take you less than 15 minutes.  If you can't do the L.A. workout, you don't need a trainer, you need a rehabilitation therapist.

BD OZZY: And he's serious!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Check out the video, it shows a quick demo in order of each exercise.

BD OZZY:   Que Bueno!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BD OZZY Wow!  Wow!

  
 

THE WARRIOR IN YOU: I HAD A BETTER IDEA

"BLUE" JIMMY: FITNESS GURU

BLIND DOG OZZY: NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Lance Armstrong got spanked recently with one of the harshest penalties handed to an athlete -- all his titles stripped away plus banned from cycling for life.

BD OZZY: AYE GUEY!

"BLUE" JIMMY:   Marion Jones and Barry Bonds also got it hard for using performance enhancing drugs.  Sports pundits say the temptation is too great and if they could get rich doing what everyone else is doing; they would do it too.  

BD OZZY:  I think everyone is missing the point.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Yes, sports were invented so that people could improve their physical abilities and excel in the rigors of a hard life at a time which didn't include automatic transportation and mass communication.  These values are being lost today.  The guys who work out at the gym where I work are typical of most workout fanatics everywhere.  All they do are heavy bench presses and gossip about and exchange supplements in the hallway, trying to "get big" so they can walk around the nightclub and look intimidating, hoping that no one will want to fight them.

BD OZZY:  I'll fight them!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Of course, they're influenced by the "sport" of bodybuilding which has a long history of utilizing performance enhancing drugs.

BD OZZY:  I've never understood why people would want to look like a bloated comic book character and walk around in panties.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  When was the last time you actually saw one of those guys do something with those muscles?  Most of them are not athletic at all -- all they do is lift and pose.  It's an unpopular position for a fitness trainer to hold but I believe that training with heavy weights, barbells and machines is not a good or natural way to train.  That type of training doesn't prepare your body to actually do anything.  After years of watching people strain themselves in the weight room, I decided there had to be a better way to train -- then, I had a better idea.  I came up with a workout that would include running, jumping, lifting, carrying, twisting, bending, flipping, rolling, stretching fighting, breathing and anything you might actually do in an active life.  In the class I teach, we call this WARRIOR training and it gets results like you wouldn't believe.

BD OZZY:  I do it too!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  And he's blind!  Which brings up the point that a lot of fully-functioning people are afraid to try the workout or they're just stuck in the rut of grunting and trying to show off doing heavy bench presses.

BD OZZY:  You never know, you might get attacked by a 400 pound barbell some day!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  However, I see things changing.  People with a lot of marketing savvy have created workouts recently with sexy names like P90X,  Insanity and Tapout which utilize training techniques I was using 20 years ago.

BD OZZY:  And they're getting rich too!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Good for them!  I'd rather see someone get rich doing something useful to the world than something corrupt and illegal.  My time will come.  I'm just glad to be part of a movement that's changing the world one body at a time.  If you're ever in my neighborhood, come sweat with us and try my workout -- it'll bring out the WARRIOR in you.

BD OZZY:  NO S**T!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY  Sake's Alive!

BD OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!

2012 OLYMPICS: MORE THAN JUST GAMES

"BLUE" JIMMY:  ISSA CERTIFIED FITNESS TRAINER

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The opening ceremonies to the 2012 London Olympic Games on Friday night were as spectacular and moving as I expected.  However, I can't help thinking that in these troubled times where war and a failing economy are in the headlines, some people may have sneered and wondered what all the fuss was about for groups of people playing sports and games that you might play in your leisure time on a Saturday afternoon.

BD OZZY:  For the last few centuries, humans have been developing technology that strives to allow people to use their bodies less and less, supposedly to improve the quality of our lives.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  If a horrific, squid-like creature from another universe straight out of an H.P. Lovecraft story came across a human carcass, he would assume right away that he was looking at some sort of motion device -- the human body was designed to move, baby!  

BD OZZY:  Since technology has taken over much of our bodily movement, we have had to concoct sports and games to force our bodies to move in the ways the Good Lord intended.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  And Lord Almighty, can these Olympians move!  What I like about watching the Olympic Games is that they show us exactly what the human machine is capable of with proper discipline and training.  They also show us how far we have come as a physical species.  What athletes routinely do in these Olympics would have been considered completely impossible in the era of Jim Thorpe or Jesse Owens.  Damn! now I want to go out an' move.

BD OZZY: Turn off that goddamned video game and go do something, people!  Check out my video -- I can swim!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BD OZZY:  Wow! Wow!