RONDA ROUSEY GETS KNOCKED THE F**K OUT! : THE CASE FOR STAND UP FIGHTERS

"BLUE" JIMMY:  MARTIAL ARTIST

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  UFC bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey was defeated (Sat. Nov. 14, 2015) at UFC 193 in Melbourne, Australia.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  She wasn't defeated, she was knocked the f**k out in the second round!!! 

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Her challenger Holly Holm , a former champion boxer, kickboxer and now UFC champion, showed superior fighting skills against Rousey, who was used to getting opponents on the ground and beating them in the first round with some sort of  joint lock ...

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Not this time!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The term Mixed Martial Arts originally meant the practice of combining the best techniques from all martial arts to make a person a well-rounded, multi-skilled fighter.  One of the first to practice this was the great Bruce Lee, who made it a point to study fighting arts from all over the world (check out my blog, "Eternal Dragon:  Why You Will Never Be As Badass As Bruce Lee").  Now however, MMA refers to the sport where two combatants square off in a ring and try to bludgeon or choke each other into submission.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Like gladiators!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Modern MMA fighting derives much from Brazilian Jui Jitsu which was popularized and practiced by the Gracie family, who had been practicing Jui Jitsu since the early 1900's.  The Gracie family brought the sport to the U.S. in the 1990's and was instrumental in the development of the UFC.  At a certain point in their history, the Gracie family toured certain martial arts schools and took on challengers in no-holds-barred matches where they easily defeated poorly trained Karate and other martial arts students who had no real full-contact experience.  Thus, began the myth that Brazilian Jui Jitsu was somehow a superior form of self-defense.  It's true that BJJ brought valuable groundfighting, joint locks, chokes and submissions to martial artists who had neglected those techniques for years.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Since Kung Fu movies in the 70's showed nothing but flying kicks to the head!  "Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting!" ...

"BLUE" JIMMY:  But many folks like me take issue with the idea of BJJ-style groundfighting as self-defense.  Hand to hand martial arts were developed so that people of average size and strength could defeat larger and stronger opponents using leverage, skill and the striking of vital points on an opponent's body to render them harmless.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Like that roundhouse kick to Ronda Rousey's head that made her see her spirit guide!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I seriously doubt that in a street situation, if you're facing a 300 pound weight lifter, a strapped gang member or a drunk with a broken beer bottle in his hand, you would want to try tackling them by the legs and wrestling on the ground with them for half an hour!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  And both of you are not gonna be fighting barefoot in your pajamies like an MMA match!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  You have to strike hard and fast at soft tissue or vital organs (eyes; throat; groin; kneecaps; etc.) and then get out of there before a fight even has a chance to start.  Look at video of some of those MMA matches and they last for hours on the ground before one fighter usually gets exhausted and finally taps out.  On the street, that's a good way to kicked senseless by your opponent's buddies or have a beer bottle broke over your head!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Look at the Rousey vs Holm  fight and you'll see a stand up fighter in Holm who refused to let  the fight go to the ground.  Rousey tried to turn it into a wrestling match so she could apply her famous arm bar and she got hammered with fists, elbows and feet and got taken out the old-fashioned way -- "Kill the head and the body will die!"

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Groundfighting is a valuable technique that shouldn't be neglected by martial artists. ( Watch the film "Game Of Death" and see Bruce Lee take out Kareem Abdul Jabbar with a BJJ-style choke hold!).  But there's a reason so many strikes are banned in MMA / UFC style matches -- There ain't no substitute for hitting someone hard and fast where it hurts and walking away!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  OW!  MY BALLS!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!
bluejames61@hotmail.com

GET STRONG, MOTHERF***ER!!!: MOVEMENT # 2 SQUATS

"BLUE" JIMMY:  STRONG MOTHERF***ER

  DO THIS!!!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA  

NOT THIS!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  If you don't got strong legs, you got nothin'!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  You seen my videos -- I can climb fences!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Your legs are your foundation, The pillars of stone which hold up the whole temple.  In the gym, I've seen people who don't even work their legs!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Why do you think Popeye gets his ass kicked regularly by Bluto until he eats that goddamned can of spinach? ... Look at those skinny legs!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Screw all those machines in the gym what got cables, pulleys, wires, digital readouts and a faggoty cupholder so you can sip ice coffee in the middle of your set -- THE SQUAT  is the king of all leg exercises!!! 

BLIND DOG OZZY:  And you don't need s**t  to do it!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I seen people put 4,5, heavy plates on each end of a barbell to do squats, have people sit on their back, tie weights to the leg machine and all kinds of useless s**t!  Tell me people, when was the last time you had to strap 500 pounds of iron to your back and move up and down like you got nothing better to do?  But I personally know many people who are so out of condition and decadently obese, they can't even get up off the floor if they fall down!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  I'm tempted to do a "Your mama so fat ... " joke right here!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The point is, you need to be an expert in lifting and lowering your own body before you can  move on to other, more adventurous pursuits!  You can get incredibly strong legs by just lifting your own body weight.  Just like the pushup, there is an amazing variety of squats that you can do:  Deep squats; half squats; jumping squats; Hindu squats; sumo squats and whatever else people have thought up to torture their legs.
  
BLIND DOG OZZY:  How about the "I ain't got jack, squat!"    

"BLUE" JIMMY:  If you're a chronic weightlifter who's not convinced that bodyweight squats can get you strong, try these -- the one-legged squat and the horse stance.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  OH, S**T!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The one-legged squat is popular among indigenous people, prison inmates and former KGB thugs who needed to kick down doors on a regular basis.  This is an exercise you to be in top shape to even attempt!  Sometimes referred to as a "pistol," most people find that they can get down all right ... 

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Everybody knows how to get down!!!

GET DOWN, GET DOWN!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  It's the getting up part that makes people cry!  Unless you spent your youth in a Russian prison, most people, (even me!) will have to hold on to something for stability on the way up.  Yes, this is cheating but you will still get excellent benefits from the exercise.  

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Another thing -- you're not gonna fire off  50 reps of  this exercise!

ONE-LEGGED SQUAT

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The strain on your one leg is so intense during this exercise, you'll be lucky if  you can do 3 to 5 reps per leg.  If you practice this exercise often, you might get up to 10 reps per leg.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Any more than that, and you're probably on a United Nations s**tlist as a war criminal!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I'm not even sure if you want to know about the Horse Stance.

HORSE STANCE

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Aw, hell no!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The horse stance, as far back as I can research, was developed by Kung  Fu and Karate masters to make students regret the fact that they were born with legs.  Basically, you get down in a wide - legged squat ...

BLIND DOG OZZY: ... Like you're riding a big ass horse! ... 

"BLUE" JIMMY:  ... Or you're sitting on an invisible chair with no arms!  The purpose of this stance in combat, is to give you stability so no bullies can knock you over ...

BLIND DOG OZZY:  ... Or you're battling drug traders on the deck of a Chinese junk off the coast of Nei Lingding during the Opium Wars!   

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Whatever the case may be, martial arts instructors have been known to make students stay in this stance  for 10, 15, 20, 30 minutes! ...

BLIND DOG OZZY: ... Until you wish you were born with no legs!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  This builds incredible strength and endurance in your legs and back muscles as well as the ability to anchor yourself to the ground in a split second during combat.  I never met a Karate or Kung Fu master what had weak legs!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  And when they kick or sweep you, it feels like you been hit by a baseball bat!!!  

"BLUE" JIMMY:  People ask me, "Jimmy, there's all these squats and I want to make my legs strong -- which squat do I do?"  The answer is, you should try all these squats at different times, pick the two or three that you hate the most and stick with those until your legs look like the columns of the Parthenon in ancient Greece!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Or like the legs of my middle school lunch lady -- Damn!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!
bluejames61@hotmail.com 

GET STRONG, MOTHERF***ER!!!: MOVEMENT # 1 PUSHUPS

"BLUE" JIMMY:  STRONG MOTHERF***ER

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I just seen a movie the other day that made me want to hurl.  It was called "Generation Iron" and was supposedly a sort-of-sequel to "Pumping Iron," the documentary about the "sport" of bodybuilding which made Arnold Schwarzenegger famous.  It showed big, bloated, steroid-injected, competitive bodybuilders grunting in the weight room, stuffing themselves with rhinoceros-sized meals and shooting up with industrial waste to contend for the title of Mr. Olympia, the highest title in bodybuilding.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Big muscles ... small d**k!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I've written before about the excellence of bodyweight exercise but now, I want to get into details.  When you watch movies like " Pumping Iron" and "Generation Iron," you realize why most people are too lazy to exercise.  They think you have to get a gym membership, do a half-hour of cardio, do massive bench presses and machines invented during the Spanish Inquisition for a few more hours and then sneak into a Zumba class for an hour or so to "burn off more calories."

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Then walk around the gym for another hour with your faggoty fluorescent water bottle in your hand all sweaty, telling everyone how hard you worked out!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Dude!  You nailed it!  Then you walk outside the gym and walk around the block a couple of times to "burn more calories."  

BLIND DOG OZZY:  By the time you're done, you've spent ten hours at the gym:  working fathers; single mothers; grandparents of kids of working fathers and single mothers -- who has time for this s**t!  

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I could show you a workout you could do in 20 minutes that would get you strong and ripped with no equipment whatsoever!  But first we got to break it down to show you how it works.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Break it down brother!   

"BLUE" JIMMY:  When I do my outdoor workouts in public parks, I often share park space with veteranos who been in the joint for awhile and do their workouts nearby.  Over the years I've gotten to know many, and they have shared some secrets with me.  One is that the best upper body exercise of all time is the pushup.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  If you cant't do pushups then you ain't s**t in the yard!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  There's a reason they do pushups in school, in the military, on sports teams and in the cellblock -- they work.  Your chest, arms, back, abs, glutes and even your legs get benefits from doing pushups.  

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Thick-neck, little-weinie weightlifters think they're badass because they do a heavy bench press in the gym.  Then they slam the bar down and flex and walk away to the  cardio room and leave all the stupid big plates on the bar so everyone can see how much they "benched."  

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The bench press is an exercise that isolates muscles in an artificial way and then puts bad stress on your shoulder, wrist and elbow joints.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  And it's a good way to f**k up your rotator cuff muscles -- you'll have to take a handful  of aspirin just to hold your toothbrush!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Pushups, on the other hand, strengthen your joints and 
give you muscles you can use.  I always tell my students, "Do you want to be good at lifting a barbell or good at lifting your body?"

BLIND DOG OZZY:  I hear that in my sleep already.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  It's true and if you look at world class athletes, gymnasts, soldiers, bodyguards,  special agents and martial artists you'll see the proof.  Keep in mind there ain't just one kind of pushup you can do but many:  wall pushups; lady pushups; triangle pushups, clapping pushups; uneven pushups; fingertip pushups; fist pushups; wrist pushups; hindu pushups; one-arm pushups and whatever else people have invented to carve their bodies into shape over the centuries.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  How many pushups should you do?

"BLUE" JIMMY:  There's the famous story of Muhammad Ali being asked how many pushups he could do.  He told the reporter 8 or 9.  "That's all?" replied the reporter.  Ali replied, " I don't start counting 'til I can' do anymore."

BLIND DOG OZZY:  OH, S**T!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!
bluejames61@hotmail.com

BIG VITA: THE MYTH OF SOIL DEPLETION

"BLUE" JIMMY:  NUTRITION EXPERT

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I heard some dude on the radio the other day saying you can cure disease and discomfort by using natural cures rich in vitamins and minerals and other nutrients.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  F**KING AYE!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I was all into his jive until he started saying that you shouldn't try to get your nutrients through food since the soil in our country is depleted  and does not contain the necessary nutrients to sustain our bodies.  He said that you should instead take vitamin and mineral supplements in capsule form because it is the only way to keep yourself from becoming a shriveled, anemic, vulgar mass of infected virulence.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NICE!

"BLUE" JIMMY: You heard of "BIG PHARMA" the conspiracy of multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical companies to keep people drugged up and f**ked up to allow their companies to make indefinite profits from the sickness and misery of all of us. 

BLIND DOG OZZY:  These companies discourage people from seeking natural cures because they cannot  patent and make profits from fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, herbs and spices.  They claim that all natural cures are the work of quacks and hucksters and that modern medicine holds all the answers to all your ailments through the proper administration of  drugs on a lifetime basis.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Dude!  Yes but now, these corporations have found a way to get a piece of the action by manufacturing vitamin and mineral supplements and they are starting to tell the tall tale of "soil depletion" which in you an' me terms, is the idea that the soil in this country has been farmed too much since the days of our grandparents and does not contain the necessary  nutrients to produce food which can keep us healthy.  To compensate for this "soil depletion," these corporations advise us to take vitamin and mineral supplements.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Or you will die!!!  

"BLUE" JIMMY:  These supplements, produced in laboratories and isolated from their  food sources, don't really absorb into your body the way food does.

BLIND DOG OZZY:  I found vitamin capsules in my dump!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  That's what I'm saying!  You're literally flushing your money down the toilet by using these supplements -- they go right through you and out the other end.  Think about it.  This planet has produced and nurtured life for countless millions ...

BLIND DOG OZZY:  and billions and trillions and quadrillions ...

"BLUE" JIMMY:  ... of years.  If the soil was "depleted" the fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, roots, tubes, herbs, spices, molds, fungus etc., could not grow at all and would not be there in your supermarket bin.  Are animals dying off from lack of nutrition?

BLIND DOG OZZY:  I caught a raccoon eating out of my food bowl!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The companies which produce vitamins and minerals and "Ancient Chinese Secrets" will say anything to make you buy their snake oil s**t.  We call this group of operators "BIG VITA" and they're  nothing but an offshoot  of "BIG PHARMA."  They tell you that you have to order their pills, powders and potions which will cure everything and anything and if you don't order their unique formula for 3 easy payments of $29.99 ...

BLIND DOG OZZY:  ...you will die!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Do the research peoples, in this country, we got lots of good,  nutritious food in vast amounts and don't have to eat Soylent Green.  And if you know what that term means, you're as old as me!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  ...and you will die!!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:   Sake's Alive!

BLIND DOG OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!
bluejames61@hotmail.com

YOUR BODY IS RUSTING!!!: ANTIOXIDANTS AND THE WAR ON FREE RADICALS

"BLUE" JIMMY:  CERTIFIED SPECIALIST IN SPORTS NUTRITION

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  In discussing matters of health and fitness, the subject of antioxidants is sure to come up.  This is due to the fact that in the last few decades, much research has been done in the area of antioxidants' role in preventing the damage done by free radicals.  In scientific terms, a free radical is an unstable oxygen molecule that has one or more unpaired electrons in its outer orbit.  This characteristic causes them to attach themselves to other molecules in your body with which they can combine.

BD OZZY:  Wha...?

"BLUE" JIMMY:  This is the kind of eggheaded stuff I had to learn to become a nutrition specialist.  But there's more... The chaos which ensues in your body has been termed free radical damage.    This free radical damage has been implicated in a host of health problems including the aging process itself.  To counteract this free radical damage, your body produces free radical scavengers which consume the free radicals and prevent damage to your body.  The problem is, there are several environmental factors which can increase your body's level of free radical activity thereby, overwhelming your body's natural defenses.

BD OZZY:  Oh, S**t!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Some of these environmental factors include:

• Ultraviolet light -- exposure to tanning lamps and to sunlight can produce free radicals in your body and promote aging of the skin.
• Air pollution -- breathing the exhaust from cars as well as other contaminants in the air can increase your free radical levels.
• Cigarette smoke -- whether you smoke or you are exposed to secondary smoke at home or in a public place, you increase the number of free radicals in your body.
• Radiation -- you may not even realize it, but you are constantly being bombarded by radiation from not only things like hospital x-rays but also household appliances like televisions, computers and microwave ovens.  All of this can stimulate free radical damage.

• Injury or inflammation -  free radical damage may be triggered by injury or inflammation of the muscles, ligaments and joints.

BD OZZY:  I hope that's all!

"I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN MORE ANTIOXIDANTS!"

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Unfortunately for the health and fitness enthusiast, in addition to the mostly negative factors mentioned above, free radicals can also be triggered by something we usually think of as beneficial -- exercise.  Due to a medical phenomenon known as ischemia reperfusion,

BD OZZY:  (Go ahead, Google that!)

"BLUE" JIMMY:  ... free radicals are released into your system during exercise and most of the damage will occur in the tissues of the body.  For example the damage may occur in the lenses of your eyes and cause clouding or the condition we commonly know as cataracts.

BD OZZY:  That's why I can't see s**t!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  The damage may also occur in your outer skin and cause a dried-out and aged appearance.  This damage has been likened to the oxidation that occurs on a piece of metal when exposed to the elements.  In other words, free radicals have the ability to "rust" your body.  But it gets even more serious.  Without getting into all the medical Hoodoo Voodoo, free radical damage also contributes to the formation of cancer cells and atherosclerosis or what we call hardening of the arteries -- two of the biggest killers.

BD OZZY:  !!!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  But don't worry brothers and sisters, in addition to the endogenous free radical scavengers that your body produces on its own, you can always add to your body's natural defenses by loading up on antioxidants.

BD OZZY:  Nutrients that kick free radical ass!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Amen, brother!  Lemme quit all the scientific talk and give you the lowdown.  The main antioxidants are: 

• Vitamin C -- which you can get from citrus fruit, rosehips, bell peppers, kale and broccoli.
• Vitamin E -- which you can get from wheat germ oil, sunflower seeds, peanuts, pine nuts and safflower oil.
• Beta-carotene - which you can get from carrots, red bell peppers, tomatoes, collard greens mangos and broccoli.
• Selenium -- which you can get from Brazil nuts, wheat germ, tuna, lentils and liver and kidney of lamb. 
  

"BLUE" JIMMY:  If you want, you can look up all these nutrients and see exactly what they do to make you healthy.  Just remember that the best way to get all these nutrients is  from plant and natural sources.  This is because plants contain phytochemicals, a whole legion of nutrients that science is just starting to discover and which you can't get from vitamin pills!

BD OZZY:  So when your Mama told you to eat all your fruits and vegetables or you won't grow up big an' strong...

"BLUE" JIMMY:  She wasn't jiving!

BD OZZY:  Pass the broccoli!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BD OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!
bluejames61@hotmail.com

THE ETERNAL DRAGON: WHY YOU'LL NEVER BE AS BADASS AS BRUCE LEE

"BLUE" JIMMY:  MARTIAL ARTIST

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I read an article in a martial arts magazine recently where some steroid-injected thick-neck muscle-head was shooting off his mouth and had the stupidity to say that in his opinion, Bruce Lee would have not been able to keep up with today's UFC fighters because he wouldn't have the right physical training or ground fighting techniques or  Brazilian Jujitsu moves or whatever to compete in today's mixed martial arts competitions.  Oh, son! you're lucky The Great Bruce Lee isn't alive today or you'd have an elegant silk, Chinese kung fu slipper stuck deep up your ass right now.  What a lot of these young, competitive fighters nowadays don't realize is that Bruce Lee was the first mixed martial artist.  

BD OZZY:  They watch the movies he made and figure it's all Hollywood but they don't know the history of the real martial artist known as "The Little Dragon."  Lee broke all the rules when it came to the martial arts.  When he came to the United States, he practiced kung fu at a time when most people thought it was an item on a Chinese takeout menu, he taught non-asians, and he broke tradition by inventing his own martial art.  Lee scoured the world in search of the best fighting techniques from all cultures and fighting methods: kung fu; tai chi; karate; judo; jujitsu; aikido; taekwondo; hapkido; kenpo; bando; muay thai; pencak silat; eskrima; sambo; savate; capoeira; boxing; wrestling and anything that worked.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Lee took all these martial arts and boiled them down into the martial art he called Jeet Kune Do, which he described as a "style without a style."  One of the basic tenets of Lee's fighting system was that you should take what you need and discard the rest, which he taught, should apply to everything he taught you as well.   Many people have applied this not only to the martial arts, but to their entire lives as well with great success.  In the case of Jeet Kune Do, it created a fighting system which can be all things and anything, thus, there are no rigid rules, forms or techniques.  In a JDK school, you learn how to punch, kick, trap (block) grapple and use your bodily weapons but how you use them is up to your fighting instincts after you have practiced well.  

BD OZZY:  If anyone doubts that Lee could have competed in the ring and fought on the ground in today's contests, (although he would have probably knocked you out by then) check out the various throws, holds, joint locks, and chokes he uses in his films, showing that he was a master of these techniques long before they became trendy for non-skilled brawlers to use when they got too tired to stand up and fight like men in MMA contests.

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Too tired was not in Lee's lexicon brother, his conditioning was legendary.  From one arm pushups on two fingers to the "dragon flag" ab exercise to impossible calisthenics and  advanced gymnastic moves, Lee did it all.  And he trained for combat!  A few decades ago, when muay thai boxers came to this country and started battering "karate experts" to the ground with their fighting skills, people wanted to know what their secret was.  Their secret was that they trained for real combat, throwing hundreds of punches, elbows, knees and kicks against hard objects and real opponents at full strength until they became fighting machines.  This knowledge was not lost on Lee, who trained as though hand-to-hand war was imminent.  Combine this with inhuman speed, flexibility, agility, knowledge of traditional Chinese medicine, and a gentle warrior philosophy of life and you have the ultimate martial artist.  So, Mr. bench 400 pounds, buns-of-steel weightlifter guy who starts fights to impress his girlfriend, be aware that when a peaceful person crushes your adam's apple and hyper-extends your knee backwards in a fight, it was the spirit of the "Little Dragon " that moved through them.

BD OZZY: And left a beautiful Chinese calligraphy painting for you in the hospital!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BD OZZY:  Wow!  Wow! 
bluejames61@hotmail.com
 

HULA HOOPS TO HELL

"BLUE" JIMMY:  HOOPER

BLIND DOG OZZY:  NEUROTIC CHIHUAHUA

"BLUE" JIMMY:  OK, If I'm going to write about the Hula Hoop I have to talk about its ancient history, right?

BD OZZY:  Oh, hell no!  Just start talking about how cute girls started shaking their nalgas with it during the 50's!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Alright, that's just weird that a dog would notice that.

BD OZZY:  I'm just saying...

"BLUE" JIMMY:  OK, the Hula Hoop was used for GodKnowsWhat in ancient times because it's depicted in rock etchings or whatever but like anything fun in modern times, the Wham-O company here in L.A. found a way to market it and make a million dollars while nasty old men leer at young women playing with them in parks and hippie concerts all over the world.

BD OZZY:  I told you!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  What you don't know peoples, is that doin' the hoop is an exercise that will keep you young forever if you keep with it.  The gentle twists, bends and graceful movements will forever keep you from that downward spiral of arthritis, injury and disuse that plague older folk when they give up on life.  

BD OZZY: Tell them about the secret!

"BLUE" JIMMY: The secret is that if you take away the hoop, practitioners are actually imitating the movements of the ancient arts of tai chi, chi gong or kung fu which are known to be the best healing therapies in the world.  If you're an adult and you take up the hoop, the first thing you're going to think when you try to spin the hoop and it clatters to the floor is that something is wrong with your body and this goddamn thing is made only for kids.

BD OZZY:  That means you ain't got your mojo working no more!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  I took up the hoop when little girls on the playground challenged me to a hoop contest and I couldn't even make the thing spin on my hips.  I practiced for months until I can safely say that I can kick the butt of any tweener girl on the playground but if you look up videos on the internet, you'll see people doing things with the hoop which will make you think that they surely sold their soul to the Devil.

BD OZZY:  I thought only guitar players did that!

"BLUE"  JIMMY:  You just got to keep playing with it chillun, 'til you get your youth back.  Notice I said play and not work.  That's one of the best secrets I can give you -- you got to learn how to play again.  When you stop playing, your body figures it's time to quit and sit in the rocking chair and you won't be able to do the things young folk do.

BD OZZY:  I can jump through the hoop!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  And he can't see s**t!

BD OZZY:  The hoop is a symbol of eternity -- keep playin' with it forever!

"BLUE" JIMMY:  Sake's Alive!

BD OZZY:  Wow!  Wow!